Actual modelling?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh, dear.
How did this come about?
Just some scout came up to me when I was doing a set.
Why?
Yeah, right, it's... Yeah...
'Yeah, the first shoot went really well.
'They said I've got, like, a really good general face.'
You know I can do, er, this one...
...and then... Oh, yeah, there's that one.
And then there's this one, as well.
I've got another shoot tomorrow.
- Is it for jumpers or...? - No, er...
Oh, yeah, hair! Hair, wow?!
- Yeah, yeah. - That's my brand!
- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.
- That's Clive's brand. - CLIVE & MANSOOR: Yeah.
♪ No doubt about it ♪
♪ I'm on my way ♪
♪ Take it over ♪
♪ I'm here to sta-ay ♪
♪ We're teaming together ♪
♪ That's what I sa-ay ♪
♪ One way to do this ♪
♪ Taking over today ♪
♪ We're taking over ♪
♪ We're taking over today. ♪
Subtitles by explosiveskull
So, what are we all doing at the weekend?
- Sailing. - Parkour?
Wrong!
We are having a workshop...
- (ALL GROAN) - Fuck!
...with stand up comedienne Eleanor Wilson,
who's going to teach us strategy, dealing with the public,
and communication, all through games and role play.
Fuck!
Oh, come on, it might help us be better employees.
You might even enjoy it.
Andy, you are not pulling a sickie.
- I've never pulled a sickie. - What about the awayday?
- What was it you had again? - Consumption, wasn't it?
I was reading Jane Austen and I thought that was still a thing.
Well, no consumption.
Except of alcohol in the pub after!
OK, you can all go.
You OK?
- Yeah, why? - You've got a cough?
Oh, er, no. I was just trying to get out of the workshop.
NARRATOR: It's Saturday morning and the agents file in
with boundless enthusiasm as they give up their weekend
for voluntary mandatory training with comedian Eleanor Wilson.
So, you're primarily a comedienne?
Comedian, not comedienne. You wouldn't say "doctress", would you?
Well, why don't you talk me through
what's going to happen in the workshop?
You don't remember me, do you?
Sorry, I...?
Should I have seen you in something?
Maybe if I had mayonnaise and ketchup smeared all over my hair
you might remember?
CRYING: Stop it, stop it!
Lezza Lennie!
We were in school together.
She had a nervous breakdown and moved to Birmingham.
God, Lezza Lennie...
In those days, it was different,
if you called someone a "lezza",
it was kind of like a term of endearment.
It's not like that any more... Wouldn't say it now.
Oh, God!
Oh, we were terrible girls, weren't we?
Yeah, well, you were.
So, the workshop, tell me more.
Well, it's all in the literature which I'm sure you've read.
Learning through role play,
with particular emphasis placed on... status.
So good to see you.
Hey, how was your modelling shoot last night?
- Er, it was all right, it was cool. - What was it for?
You know it was like a general shoot day,
you know kind of non-specific pharmacy or something.
Wait, wait, did you have to make a face, like, "Aaah?!"
Whoa, it's not that bad, is it?
We haven't even started yet.
Hello, everybody, welcome.
Welcome to my workshop.
My name is Eleanor Wilson.
We're going to have fun over the next couple of days.
We're going to workshop, we're going to role play,
we're just going to generally shake things up a bit.
First of all though, very, very important for the workplace,
- is trust exercise. - (THUD!)
Ah! Right, now, you see what happened there?
That shows that you have to have your wits about you at all times.
Proctor? Thank you.
- (THUD!) - Ah!
OK, so let's throw these balls around!
There you go, there you go, there you go...
I like to think I help people to escape,
and yet, at the same time, to find themselves.
I want them to leave their cage and fly
and that's why I do the workshop.
That and the fee,
I've got quite a big mortgage.
Now, there's another muscle that's very important,
especially in your job, and it is here.
It's the vocal cords, the vocal cords.
- So, can you help me Proctor? - Oh, yeah, sure.
Say, "I love you".
- What? - Say, "I love you".
- I love you. - Lower.
I love you.
- Lower. - I love you.
- Higher, now, higher. - I love you.
- Higher, like a little baby. - I love you!
Walk like a little baby.
Love you. Love you. Love you. Notre Dame, Hunchback of Notre Dame.
- But he can be English, this time. - I love you, I love you!
Yes, yes, you're a monkey!
You're a monkey, a talking monkey,
- come on. - I love you.
- I love you, keep it higher. - (SHE IMITATES A MONKEY)
- I love you. - Show me the monkey, show me the monkey,
That's good! Now, you're a diva!
Sing! Opera sing to the back of the room.
- ♪ I love you! ♪ - Come on, high note!
♪ I love you, I love yoo-o-ou! ♪
And relax.
Sit.
NARRATOR: As Proctor begins to suspect she may be in
for a long day, baggage handlers Mo and Suj
muse on their exclusion from the session.
Who wants to go there anyway? I don't want to go to them.
It's just some guy like, "Oh, why don't we role play how to be trees?"
- Come on, bruv! - I could do that, I could be good at that.
Bruv, no, you couldn't.
I'll do it now, look. All right.
- What's that one? - A willow tree and that?
Oak?
Ooph, that's interesting.
Palm tree in a tsunami?
- Last one. - Yeah, waves.
WHISPERS: It's got conkers on it.
- Huh? - Conkers.
- Conker tree!
- Horse chestnut tree. - Five out of five for me.
Four trees, five out of five.
- Was it only four? - It's five out of five.
Cut that bit off there, boss man, you understand?
I can do my times tables, 2, 4, 6, 8, 12... 10, 12.
OK. Where's Larry?
ALL: Larry! Larry!
As the morning progresses, slowly but surely,
the agents begin to loosen up and engage with the role play.
Where's my bowl of fruit?
Oh, captain, you shouldn't be steering the boat!
I'm not, someone should steer the boat.
My name is Vladimir and I'm angry.
Wonderful! Dorcas, Dorcas, have you been in the fields?
Yes, milady.
- How did you discover the body? - It was lying on the ground.
What happened to the voice you created before?
- You had a butler voice. - It was lying on the ground.
Howdy, there, partner!
Er, howdy partner! Good old animals.
- How are you, Dorcas? - Not bad, milady.
(SHE CLAPS) Proctor, be my poodle.
- Will you be my poodle? - 'No, I wasn't remotely embarrassed.'
It's part of my job to model really good presentation skills
and improvisational skills and just to be game, you know?
I think I achieved that today.
- Does everybody love my poodle? - ALL: Yeah.
Isn't he wonderful! Isn't he wonderful!
Very good, now beg! Beg, Proctor, beg!
I mean, it's just a... It's just a crock of shit, really, isn't it?
- Hello. - Hi.
You're being really wonderful by the way.
- Ah, thank you. - Really, yeah.
He's been talking about spreading out.
Well, you know, sometimes DJ's now present, as well?
So, they have like personalities on stage.
Yeah, but that's the problem,
you need to have a little bit more...
- ...you know. - Projection?
Not projection, um...
Something to do with...
It's like, charisma?
Charisma, you need to have more charisma.
NARRATOR: After an exhausting morning, over lunch,
some of the team discuss how much they've enjoyed the subtleties
of the improvisation.
The bit when you had to be a dog and you were doing a wee!
(HE LAUGHS)
NARRATOR: But it's the self-confessed cynic Andy Church
who's most surprised at how much she's enjoying herself.
Yeah, yeah, I really like Eleanor, she's really nice.
Yeah, we were just chatting and talking
and sharing stories and memories
and, yeah, I think what I'm doing here
is describing a normal conversation.
Which is nice, because it's unusual.
Andy isn't the only agent
fascinated by the charismatic Eleanor Wilson.
As the rest of the team prepare for the afternoon session,
Grant Brodie pops over for a chat.
How did you get into this... this business?
Well, my ex-wife encouraged me to.
Wife.
You're a lesbian.
Ah.
And what about you? Do you have a husband?
I assumed you were gay, you know, what with the beard and the look.
I thought you were a bear.
That's what the gay lads call your type.
- Do they? - Yeah.
Nope, I'm...
Where I come from, having a beard
is pretty much an emblem of masculinity, like...
Cos you'll find that even a lot of the Scottish rugby players,
like, those guys they've all got beards, too.
You like the Scottish rugby team?
- Yeah, I do. - I bet you do.
A lot.
Would you like a banana?
No, thank you, bit bruised.
- Ah, well. - See you back in there.
Yeah.
NARRATOR: After a relatively uneventful afternoon session,
team bonding is scheduled to continue in the pub.
Everyone reflects on what a good time they've had today.
No, I have not had a fucking good time today.
I've been ritually humiliated
acting like a fucking poodle in front of all my staff.
And now I've got to go to the fucking pub!
Can you not, actually...?
So, Eleanor, she's a lesbian,
she's got an ex-wife,
I offered her a banana, she said, "No".
What we playing?
Do you know what the capital of the Ukraine is?
Hmm, no.
OK, I just have to hope it doesn't come up.
- Another one? Nope, just me, sorry. - Ow!
Yeah, they never asked her.
- Oh, I'm going to get some nibbles. - OK.
- Hey. - Hey, you winning?
Er, no, Clive's playing.
Oh, right, yeah, OK. Well, sorry.
(THEY LAUGH)
- Eleanor's nice. - Yeah, yeah, she's really nice, yeah.
Really nice. We were just having a chat about her ex-wife.
Er, yeah, she's taken a liking to you, I suppose.
Ah, I'll see you later.
There we go, that'll help.
Just crisps, I'm afraid, I don't do nuts.
- So Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy... - Yeah, yeah.
Tell me about yourself.
- Have you got a partner? - No, no boyfriend, or girlfriend in fact.
I don't have either of those, um, friends.
But if, you know, just... I think sexuality's quite fluid.
- I agree. - Yeah, I'm open. It's...
- Polymorphous. - Yeah, yeah, that's a good word.
I don't know why I said that, I'm straight.
Well, I do know why,
it's because if someone makes an assumption about me,
I'm too much of a coward to correct them.
My landlord thinks that I'm Australian...
IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: ...and I cannot afford to move!
Well, that's my Uber.
- Oh! - Can I have a lift?
Oh, where you going? I'm at the Travelodge, I could...?
Oh, yeah, that would make more sense, actually, because you...
You live right next to me...
- Thank you. - So, yeah, come.
Thank you.
- Yeah. Cool. - Yeah.
Okey dokey then, girls. See you bright and early.
- Yeah, absolutely. - Well done.
- This is... this is great. - Yeah.
What's Robert De Niro's character in Goodfellas?
Mean...
Yeah.
♪ We're taking over today! ♪
Morning!
NARRATOR: It's bright and early on Sunday morning
and the team are back in for their second day of training workshops
with Eleanor Wilson.
I'd like coffee, please.
- Right, great. - Yeah, cheers, thank you.
- Sorry, your eyes are extraordinary. - (COFFEE POURS)
- Oh, thanks. - I would call that colour "faded denim".
- Colour's extraordinary, oh! - (WATER SPLASHES)
Oh, God, Jesus!
- Oh, sorry! - Ooh, you're overflowing, my dear!
- Oh, sorry, sorry! - (MOBILE VIBRATES)
There you go, it's OK, I'll clean it,
- I'll clean it up, I'll get you... - No, that's OK.
Unfortunately for Andy,
certain of her colleagues are having issues of their own...
Hi, Proctor.
...and she may not get quite the support she was hoping for.
No, you're not, no, you're not!
No, I don't... I'm FaceTiming you. I don't believe you.
(RINGING TONES)
Where are you? Are you at home?
Oh, hi, Andy.
Hi, I'm really sorry, I'm just really not well.
I don't think I'm going to make it in today.
No, no, you're not, you're fine! Look at you.
Do you know what, I think it might be consumption, bye.
No, no, I need you here, Proctor!
Proctor, you... Fuck!
Fucking... fucking fuckface!
Sorry. Hi.
That was Proctor who is unfortunately...
She's got... She's ill, so she can't come in.
- Is she? - Yeah, so, we're a woman down.
Yes, sorry, I didn't mean.
OK, don't worry, don't worry, darling. Let's crack on, shall we?
Proctor may be off sick,
but despite not being invited to the training sessions,
baggage handlers Mo and Suj are hard at work as always.
Sick? No, not me.
I'm here every single day, every day of the week.
Bank Holiday Mondays, bank holiday...
All the bank holidays, yeah, you find me here, you understand?
Yeah, but you don't do any work when you are here.
Yeah, but you know...
Upstairs, after another full and productive day of training,
Eleanor starts to wrap up the session.
The colour blue, the colour blue, the colour blue.
Lift it, lift it, lift it, lift it!
Take it up, take it up, take it up, take it up,
- take it up, take it up! - (ALL EXCLAIM)
- Take it down... - ALL: Ooohhhh...
Open your eyes.
- Well done, well done! - (APPLAUSE)
Well done, well done, that was great, that was great.
Oh, well, I think we can safely say
that we really, really trust each other now, yeah?
Let's put that trust to the test, one final game.
Andy, will you step out here, my love?
- Thank you, big round for Andy. - (APPLAUSE)
She's been great.
We're going to do a little trust exercise.
Now, if you stand here, my darling.
Stand here, stand here, and just...
- ...relax, lift your... - I'm relaxed.
- Lift your arms... That's it, that's it. - Oh, right, sorry.
"Oh, Jack, I'm flying!"
(SHE LAUGHS)
Now, what I want you to do is just fall back on me.
Just trust me, I'll catch you.
- Fall back on me. And, go! - Great, yeah.
OK.
Whoa, see?
Wonderful. Very well done.
She trusts me, so she relaxes
and when you relax,
Andy, what do you do?
You do your best work.
You do your best work. Wonderful.
OK, well, that's the end of the workshop.
I so hope you've enjoyed it cos I've really enjoyed working with you.
Give yourself a round of applause You've been fantastic.
(APPLAUSE)
Oh, sorry. There you go, there you go.
It's been a successful weekend's training,
and although Proctor is suffering at home,
she still finds a small way to make her presence felt.
- Eleanor? - Yeah.
That's a delivery from Proctor.
- Oh, from Proctor? Thanks. - Yeah.
"Thanks for the workshop.
"PS, for what it's worth, sorry."
Well, who wants some fizz?
Oh!
- Come on! - Yeah, sure.
Not for me, that makes me wild like a fox,
but I'll probably have a pint in the pub.
Yeah, I think I'm just going to join Grant...
- (CORK POPS) - ...and embarrassing to say,
but that stuff makes me poo like a piggy bank.
Oh, no!
I'm all right, I'm going to... Have fun, though.
Well, see you in the pub maybe later, yeah?
(SHE POURS DRINK)
It's just us, then.
Yeah, yeah.
Just a small one cos I haven't had dinner.
- Cheers! Cheers, darling. - Cheers!
Mm! Mmmm. Oh, the bubbles!
What about the fruit bowls?
- Yeah! - Yeah, I didn't know which fruit to be!
As they head to the pub,
Clive and Grant are treated to an update
on Tariq's fledgling modelling career.
Ah! Ah!
(THEY LAUGH AND EXCLAIM)
Oh, look, you could've had a glass of champagne!
(THEY LAUGH)
- I'm going to have to get a... - That's amazing.
Guys, no, please! Are you kidding me? Are you kid...? Guys, come on.
- This is so cool! It's your whole body. - Take a...
No, guys, come on, please. Come on, guys.
Hey, Tariq, it's number one in the UK.
That's like, that means it's the best advert in the UK.
You gotta be happy with that?
A little later in the office,
Andy has nervously drunk
almost all of the bottle of champagne to herself
and is starting to feel a little worse for wear.
Ah, God, these lights are so oppressive.
Yeah, sort of mind control.
Why are you here?
Cos I work here.
I think you're too good for this place.
You know it's weird that a girl that works in an airport like this
doesn't want to fly away somewhere.
Don't just think about it.
Shall we go to the pub, then?
Shall we finish...?
Let's go to the pub!
OK. Oh, wow, OK...
Half a bottle of champagne, she's a cheap date.
- Right show me where this pub is then. - Yeah, God.
PPbbbbbbbt!
And then a voiceover, "Has this ever happened to you?
"You need Stopt!"
You want to have like a big acting career,
like a big director, he could be going through the airport
and he'll be like, "Oh, my God, that's the diarrhoea guy,
- "get him in my movie." - It's really likely, yeah.
You've got a thing now that people will always associate with you
which is great.
- My career in diarrhoea. - It's like a brand now.
Loads of people will know you from travelling,
they'll be coming back from their holidays and they'll be like,
"Oh, my God, I was like looking at your face on the packet
"when I was like..." (HE STRAINS)
Fuck it! I'm getting rid of it!
One of the biggest killers in the third world...
I think, like, Brad Pitt, he started off like that.
With diarrhoea?
Thank you.
As Tariq rushes to remove his life-size cut-out from public view,
Andy attempts to remove herself from her own embarrassing situation.
- Are you all right? - Yeah, yeah, God, yeah, sorry.
I think I'm just a bit of a lightweight.
- You should've eaten something, I suppose. - That, yeah.
Actually, you know what, I think it would be better
if I went back to the hotel.
Now, Andy you're wonderful and... I want you...
The thing is that, I, um...
I have a... I have a boyfriend, it's...
Yeah, it's Tariq, so it's a secret...
Andy, I was going to say
I want you to have my card in case you want to do any more impro.
Yeah?
I'm sorry, listen.
- Don't be, it happens, all the time. - Oh, that's really stupid, OK.
No, you're lovely but you're um, you're not my type.
- Right. - I like them...
Actually, Proctor...
she was my first crush...
but...
...don't tell her.
Are you going to be OK?
- Yeah, yeah. - You sure?
Yes, yeah. I'm just going to go home, too.
All right, then, my darling.
- Thank you and bye-bye. No, bye! - Thank you, sorry.
(ELEANOR LAUGHS)
Shut up, you did not see any of that.
Please don't leave and be a model...
...cos I do actually quite need you.
(SHE RETCHES)
(SHE COUGHS)
As our cameras move on from Northend Airport for another year,
we leave Tariq concerned
and a little confused by Andy's actions.
Meanwhile, now that Grant and Clive are in the pub,
Proctor has made a startling recovery
and manages to join them where their weekend
and their journey ends on a massive high.
What is the capital of the Ukraine?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- It's Reykjavik! - Edinburgh!
Kiev!
(ALL CHEER)
- How much is it? - Three pounds.
(ALL CHEER)
♪ No doubt about it ♪
♪ I'm on my way ♪
♪ Take it over ♪
♪ I'm here to sta-ay ♪
♪ We're teaming together ♪
♪ That's what I sa-ay ♪
♪ One way to do this ♪
♪ Taking over today ♪
♪ We're taking over ♪
Subtitles by explosiveskull
♪ We're taking over today. ♪